Awaiting Transition

So much pain
And confusion
And doubt
And sadness
Circling around all the time
Manifesting
In Silence
Or in anger
Or in deep, dark depression
Not sleeping
Not getting out of bed
Struggling
Sobbing
No relief from tears
Hurt so deep
It feels bottomless
Unless
Until
We look up
We cry out
We seek help
We press in
And as we turn
Toward the light
Morning comes
Darkness fades
Calm and stillness
Begin to seep through
Love begins
To heal
To mend
Our broken hearts
Our wounded souls
Our aching spirits
We grow toward wholeness
We stretch and move
We get up
Stepping lightly
Holding our heads aloft
And we begin to dance again

Not Quite Children...But

They are wrestling
My little black mops
Chewing on each others’ faces
Tugging on each others’ ears
Hiding behind corners
Waiting to pounce
Snarling
Leaping
Bowing
Tails all aquiver
Bounding
Running in circles
Chasing
Hiding
Full of joy
Happy to be together
Endlessly entertaining

Q&A

When you say
-What is your God like
-Who is your Higher Power
-What do you mean when you say
“God as I understand God”

I say
Love
Grace
Love
Peace
Love
Mercy
Love
Triumph
Love
Judgment
Love
Patience
Love
Kindness
Love
Goodness
Love
Gentleness
Love
Self-Sacrifice
Love
Omniscience
Love
Strength
Love
Power
Love
Faithfulness
Love
Glory
Love
Wisdom
Love
Forever
Love

No matter what
I do
I say
I think
I feel
I believe
I fail
Love remains the answer
Keep asking the questions

For Amber

It’s just a lot—all of it
The sadness and the tension
The loneliness and the loss
The enormity of forever changing
But most of all
The little people counting on you
To get it right
To keep holding your head up
To keep walking forward
To be strong
To endure
To love them enough
To love yourself enough
To cling to the truth you know
And keep after the truth you don’t know yet
To lean into the light
To refuse to sink down into darkness
To teach them how to hold His hand
By holding on yourself
To let them know where your strength comes from
It’s so much…
It’s really so much
But more important in the end
Than unpacked boxes
Or organized clothes
Or even civility among adults
Is learning that dependence
Clinging to that reality
Making sure they understand
That He loves them
More than you love them
Because He does
And so it’s a lot
But it isn’t too much
They are watching
As you walk through this valley
And they will learn to love Him
Like you love Him
And to love each other
And to be the men and women
They were meant to be
Before time began
Just like you
Deep inside them, they will understand
Jesus loves you - this I know

August in Texas

Miraculously green
Almost lush
Disorienting
Distracting
Underneath the bluest sky
Cool breezes
Out of place
Compliments of days on end
Of persistent gentle rain
Soaking into the parched soil
Moving up into fading brown grass
Coaxing trees to expand
That’s how we want
Your Spirit to fall
Not in a torrent
But in stretches of time
Soaking into our parched souls
Softening our hardened hearts
Gentling our harshest emotions
Over and over again
Awakening everything dead and dry
Coaxing us to look up
Toward the light
Seeking our sustenance
Becoming all You created us to be

Dimly

It's so cloudy and murky
When I look for You
I only see myself
I only hear my own thoughts
I feel alone and afraid in the dark
I don’t understand
I can’t see what You’re doing
I don’t understand what’s going on
I keep asking and asking
I keep pushing and pressing in
I keep doing everything I know to do
And it seems like nothing’s changing
At least not for the better
It seems like it’s spiraling downward
Falling into nothing
The yawning abyss
And it doesn’t make sense to me
It doesn’t feel like You meant what You said
It seems like You’ve forgotten
Or moved on
And I feel all alone
On the precipice
Hanging on with all my strength
And yet I know
You are here
Even when I can’t feel Your presence
You haven’t let go
Even when my hands are slipping
You remember
Even when I forget
You keep your promises
Even when I doubt them
You understand it all
Even when I can’t reason it through
You hold me up
Even when my knees buckle under the strain
You keep me from falling
Even when my strength fails utterly
You make all things new
Even when I see only devastation
You hold me in Your hands
Even though I try to do things on my own
You don’t change
You don’t leave
You haven’t given up
You are working
You have a plan
Your timing is perfect
You are absolutely sovereign
Absolutely loving
Absolutely kind
Everything I am not
Your ways are so much higher than mine
Nothing I think or feel or do or say can change You
You always were
What you always are
What you will be forever
It’s me that’s changing
Because You love me
Ever so slowly, I am
Learning to trust in Your forever Love
Instead of my own perceptions
Learning to depend on what You say
Instead of how I feel
Learning to seek Your direction
Instead of running away to try it on my own again
And as you change me, I wait for the day
When the fog lifts
When the darkness is gone forever
When the mirror disappears
When You are revealed in all Your glory
And I see You face to face

Daydream

In the quiet
Hope unfolds
Flutters its wings
Stretches wide
Looks around
Fear too and Doubt
Stir from slumber
Jostle about
Coveting space
Noticing, Hope
Hums softly
Lingers over memories
Smiles knowingly
Glances at pictures
Looks out the window
Places her hand
On Gratitude’s shoulder
Gratitude unwinds
Long arms
Wrapped around comfort
An old blanket
Deeply inhaling
She stretches out
Expanding her reach
Hope and Gratitude
Hold hands
Sway and dip
Circling, Pulsing
An ancient rhythm
Light footsteps
Quietly drumming
Slowly, then
Doubt’s head begins to nod
Fear’s eyes close again
They yield to sleep
So in the silence
Only Hope and Gratitude remain
Joined together
Twirling with delight

Love wins

Rejection prowls
Casts doubt
On worth
On value
Attempts slaughter
Of character
Of wisdom
Of sweetness
Of gifts
Even beauty
It projects
Wrenching pain
Continuing horror
Vile rejection
Wicked dishonesty
Yet you
Remain beautiful,
Shining Star
Sweet mercy
Kind goodness
Brilliant light
Powerful strength
Gentle compassion
Graceful peace
Relentlessly pressing
You create
You affirm
You delight
You believe
Simply complete
Utter perfection
Your worth
Sheltered inside
His Love
His Approval
His Affection
His Delight
Shielded within
His Wonder
His Glory
His Truth
Rejection howls
Impotent rage
Helpless flailing
Incapable frustration
Caught outside
Away from
Trapped beyond
Love’s fortress
Love’s stronghold
Love’s citadel
Your refuge
Your protection
Your redemption
Love safeguards
And you,
Precious one
Dwell within
Abide inside
Walk confidently
Into life
After all

I'd Rather

I would rather be rocking
Tiny new life gently to sleep
Bundled up
Newly bathed
Content and warm
Sweet and soft
Than sitting here
Typing and reviewing
Boring documents

I would rather be chasing
Little legs attempting escape
Moving fast
Giggling hysterically
Round and soft
A little unbalanced
Than sitting here
In front of a computer
All day long

I would rather be talking
Over friendships and heartbreaks
Her hair swinging
Words tumbling out
Legs tucked up
Under her chin
Than sitting here
On the phone all day
With demanding clients

I would rather be sitting
Head on his shoulder
Arms tightly holding
Warm and loving
Belonging and safe
Two-as-one life
Than sitting here
Alone with a book
And a glass of wine

Expectant Waiting

Everywhere around
Expectant waiting
Pain
Anguish
Torturously bowing bodies down
Birthing pains
Twisting insides
Pain doesn't empty
But fills up
Distracting
Groaning
Writhing
Overcome
Too tired
To keep going
Exhausted
Depleted
Undone
Then
He comes behind
Our birthing partner
Supporting
Sustaining
Encouraging
We lack words
To comfort each other
But He knows what to do
Breathing alongside us
Rhythm forming
Moments of calm
Peace in the midst of pain
Promise in the midst of misery
Strength in the midst of desperation
Warmth soaks in
Soothing
Weaving the pain
Into wordless prayer
Whispering Love
Humming Promises
Chanting Assurance
Until Truth beats within us
Holding us firmly in His grasp
His Presence in our desperation
So our expectant waiting
No longer shrinks
But enlarges us
Fills up
We grow as we wait expectantly
Larger
Fuller
We reach capacity
And then the overflow
Breakthrough
Long awaited joy
No longer hidden
That Presence
Shapes our reality

Complicated

When it got to be too much
He got into a boat
And sailed away
And the crowds followed Him with their eyes
Hundreds of them
Thousands
Hungry for more
They would have wrung Him out entirely
They hung on his every word
Drained Him dry
Absorbed anything?
Hard to say how much
They were waiting for Him to act
To make their lives better
He pulled away
Escaped
To sleep
To relax
To be renewed
With a few friends in a boat
A meal and conversation
He explained
I do only what I see
My Father doing
Even with the ability to work miracles
He didn’t heal all of them
He didn't speak to everyone
He didn’t touch each one who pressed in close
He walked through towns and the countryside
He chose some
But not others
Were these boundaries?
Practicalities born of humanity?
An example for those of us coming later?
What was that withdrawal?
Because in the end...
In the end there were no boundaries
In the end, every person He hadn’t healed
Every person who waited for His words
Every person He hadn’t touched
Received His ultimate sacrifice
Maybe, partially, uncomfortably
What it means
Is that you can’t just connect the dots
Follow the rules
You can't simultaneously withdraw
And give everything you have
Maybe it only makes sense
When you do the part in the middle
Watch for what the Father is doing
Reach out in tandem with Him
Join in His program already in progress
Otherwise, you’ll never know
When to walk away from the crowd
And when to lay your life down
For your friends

Theology?

If God is Love (and He is)
And we were made in His image (we were)
Then we were made in the image of Love (yes we were)

If God is Love (and He is)
And sin separated us from Him (and it did)
Then sin estranged us from Love (yes, it did)

If God is Love (and He is)
And He desired to restore us to Himself (and He did)
Then He desired to restore us to Love (yes, yes)

If God is Love (and He is)
And His death on the cross redeems us (and it does)
Then His death on the cross opens the way for Love to reach us (yes it does)

If God is Love (and He is)
And accepting His gift restores us to Him (and it does)
Then accepting His gift returns us to Love (it does, it does)

If God is Love (and He is)
And He is filling us up with His Spirit (and He is)
Then we will overflow with His Love (yes, yes)

If God is Love (and He is)
And we are becoming more like Him (we are)
Then we will become who we were always meant to be (and that is?)
The embodiment of His Love (oh, yes)

So if God is Love (and He is)
And we were made in His image (and we were)
Then we were made in the image of Love (amen)

Tough Love

Look
She said to herself
Life isn’t going to get any easier
You can’t change anyone except yourself
You don’t get to opt out of reality by wishing
It is always going to be hard, but know this:
You are going to have to do it yourself
No one is coming to save the day
So stop sitting on the sidelines
Spin your wishes in motion
Start stepping along
Evolve into
Grow

Now I Remember

You said
You would stay
No matter what
You would not leave
I am not alone
You said
Perfect Love
Casts out Fear
Of Rejection
Embarrassment
Humiliation
Loneliness
Heartache
Misery
And your presence
Is Perfect Love
You said you would stay
No matter what

How

Do I stay open
Without shattering?

Do I stay vulnerable
Without being crushed?

Do I stay willing
Without being walked on?

Do I stay hopeful
In the face of long delay?

Do I hold on
When everyone else has let go?

Right Now

I think I need
Solitude and the ocean
Silence except
Waves crashing
Gulls crying
Maybe rain falling
Out at sea
Clouds moving by
And far off sailboats
No one else visible
Space for thoughts
Space for quiet
Space to awaken in
On the cliffs
Water sprayed on my cheeks
Always the same
Constantly changing
Life in context

John Mayer plays superpages.com

He was
Amazing
Gifted
Shirtless
Strumming
Endless melodies
New ones
Old ones
Mesmerizing
Strong
Subtle
Magnetic
Poetry
He was

They were
More concerned with
Documenting
Their presence
Than being present
In-our-space
Giggling
Distracting
Annoying
Talking
Pointing
Jumping
Shoving
Consuming
They were

We were
Feeling a little old
A little tired
A little distracted
And annoyed
Still
Drawn in
Dancing a little
Away from it all
Listening
Eyes closed
Swaying
Enjoying the breeze
We were

Love Love Love

He is Love
In His essence
In His character
Everything He does
Everything He is
Comes from Love
Grace
And Mercy
Peace
And Joy
Authority
And Power
Discipline
And Comfort
Warmth
And Light
Splendor
And Glory
All from Love
Patience
Kindness
Protection
Trust
Forgiveness
Hope
Perseverence
His very nature
All of Him
Every bit
Saturated in
Marinated in
Overflowing with
Love Love Love
Love breaks through
Love moves past
Love conquers all
Love never fails
Love is who He is
When He says I Am