Dimly

It's so cloudy and murky
When I look for You
I only see myself
I only hear my own thoughts
I feel alone and afraid in the dark
I don’t understand
I can’t see what You’re doing
I don’t understand what’s going on
I keep asking and asking
I keep pushing and pressing in
I keep doing everything I know to do
And it seems like nothing’s changing
At least not for the better
It seems like it’s spiraling downward
Falling into nothing
The yawning abyss
And it doesn’t make sense to me
It doesn’t feel like You meant what You said
It seems like You’ve forgotten
Or moved on
And I feel all alone
On the precipice
Hanging on with all my strength
And yet I know
You are here
Even when I can’t feel Your presence
You haven’t let go
Even when my hands are slipping
You remember
Even when I forget
You keep your promises
Even when I doubt them
You understand it all
Even when I can’t reason it through
You hold me up
Even when my knees buckle under the strain
You keep me from falling
Even when my strength fails utterly
You make all things new
Even when I see only devastation
You hold me in Your hands
Even though I try to do things on my own
You don’t change
You don’t leave
You haven’t given up
You are working
You have a plan
Your timing is perfect
You are absolutely sovereign
Absolutely loving
Absolutely kind
Everything I am not
Your ways are so much higher than mine
Nothing I think or feel or do or say can change You
You always were
What you always are
What you will be forever
It’s me that’s changing
Because You love me
Ever so slowly, I am
Learning to trust in Your forever Love
Instead of my own perceptions
Learning to depend on what You say
Instead of how I feel
Learning to seek Your direction
Instead of running away to try it on my own again
And as you change me, I wait for the day
When the fog lifts
When the darkness is gone forever
When the mirror disappears
When You are revealed in all Your glory
And I see You face to face