It is Finished

On this day
I took back my life
From the shackles
Of past mistakes
That held me fast
Binding me to choices
I regret - I loosed my hold
On stories that ended badly
On hearts and souls
That were not mine
That did not belong to me
On illusions that clouded
My hopes and dreams

I reclaimed my soul
And the freedom to give it away
Again to the One who redeemed it
Who made redemption possible
Who doesn't just forgive
But separates wrong from right
And looses dreams again
Dreams that will come
Hope that is reborn
Joy that wells up again

I was set free
For freedom's sake
And for Love
Both the Love already here
And the Love on its way to me
Across time and space
Love ordained to be mine
Love authorized and life-giving
Taking hold of the future
I called it into the present
I let go of the past
And its hold on me was broken
Written down on slips of paper
Burned into ashes
And washed away

heartsong: just a little cheesy

i know the songs you sing
in part because
they echo my own
sharing histories
heartsongs
two melodies suited for
blending into one
like a prelude
one part played
then the other
foreshadowing harmony
inviting blending together
your song and mine
i know the songs you sing

vulnerable

dark clouds on the horizon
bring too much rain
hard ground cannot absorb the flood
running into gulleys, seeking lower ground
gravity finding its ancient course
down toward the canyon
it floods
it saturates
it soaks in anyway
despite hardness
despite resistance
despite everything worn down
callouses formed
over picked off scabs
hard shells eroding into softness
risking erosion

storm

on the mountain top
the storm hid on the other side of the ridge
boulders and rock strewn paths
piling up behind
so when the storm broke
rushing in
noise and light
electricity descending
rain slicked those rocks
trecherous obstacles, scrambling, slipping down

you were not there
exposed on the mountains face
i thought you were the mountain
impervious to pain and fear
unphased by lightning strikes
I slipped on your immovable stillness
your unpassable silence, your unfathomable apathy
as I scrambled over the boulders
away from the light and the electricity
toward lower ground, heart pounding in my chest

fine

lonely in that quiet way
not entirely silent
whispering in my ear
you are not enough
you are not worth it
you will never have what you want
why do you bother trying anyway
it feels hopeless
it feels like abandon
it feels like the echoes of rejection
long since past
but it is numb
whatever pain is there
nerve receptors too overloaded
to begin to process it
compassion for those who slice
into their own skin
in order to feel that pain
instead of the numbness
understanding why
lacking either courage or cowardice to try it
not quite that crazy yet
but reckless still
reaching out for substitutes
looking for someone to share this space
to fill up the quiet
to stimulate the numbness
ready to stand on the tallest mountain
and shout
WHERE ARE YOU?

Night

Night is long
Darkness in the beginning
Before your eyes adjust
Overwhelms everything else

Night is long
And walking alone
It is so easy to stumble
To lose your way in the blackness

Night is long
It seems to stretch endlessly
Promising more darkness
More obstacles, more fear

Night is long
But it is not forever
Even as it stretches out
Without the faintest hint of light

Night is long
But it moves imperceptibly
Toward morning - its darkness
Is not eternal

Night is long
But dawn will break
Light will flood again
So that darkness is only a shadow

Night is long
But daybreak is inevitable
Every moment drawing nearer
To the first glimmer of morning

Soul Ties

it is a cliche
that giving your body
gives away your soul

but in cliches lie
buried truths hidden - depths of
familiarity

ties that bind deeply
pieces of hearts existing
outside a body

portions of wholeness
ripped, ignored, and rejected
floundering alone

I want them back now
those pieces of me given
thoughtlessly reckless

I do not want to
hold these pieces of other
hearts any longer

one for R

so much pain
mucking up lives
so much anger
clouding our vision
so many words
that should never be said
so loudly shouted
over and over
so much darkness
crowding out the sun
so much emptiness
swallowing everything

i feel the pain
in your clouds
in your sadness
in your anger
in your emptiness
in the words
you never should have heard

and it weighs down on me
like a smothering blanket
it drowns out my own pain
it fills up my capacity to hurt

but it is your pain
it is not mine
and I want so badly for her
to look at you
and see what is really there
so much growth
so much progress
so much effort
so much goodness

you have come so far
and you are still fighting
to go further still

and i worry
that you will lose sight of that
that your progress will be stolen
that your growth will be stunted
that your effort will come to nothing

but i know
that the goodness in you
is more than just you
the strength you are building
in every single choice
to do the right thing anyway
is an echo of the One
who heals pain like this
who carries burdens
who binds up wounds

the One who shines light
the One in whose image
you were made

but i don't know how to say that to you
in a way that you will hear
without preaching
without judging
without causing more pain
without pushing you away

i know that you need Him though
and i know His Love reaches toward you
and toward her
and that Love
that Love
that Love
is what you need
far more than my ear
far more than my words
far more than my shoulder
if only...you could see it

and so i am taking this pain
the pain you share
the loneliness you disclose
so hesitantly
the anguish imparted
and i am laying all of it
down at His feet
and asking Him to reach out to you
to make His presence known
to call your names loudly
to give you His ear
His shoulder
His words
His healing

(Another) One for Amber

something inside of you
bursts with so much light
it's blinding some days
even when darkness crowds in close

something inside of you
sings with such abandon
it's the loudest song
even in the noisiest room

something inside of you
crys out for mercy
trusting that Love will rain down
even when loneliness crowds it out

and that something
the something inside you
is the image of One who knows
the One who brings light to darkness
the One who brings songs to chaos
the One who rains Love down

and you overflow with it so much
more often than not
the Someone inside of you
stretches out His hand
in light and song and mercy and Love
and pours out all of those things
from you to me
and from you to your kids
and from you to your friends
and from you to the world
Light...and song...and Love

just one on sweetness and light

between your words
hidden in phrases
in stories and silence
your heart speaks
your soul shines
somehow I hear more
than the words you say
but it's not my eyes
that see you like this
His eyes see too
penetrating beyond
pain and hardship
sorrow and anger
rejection and loneliness
into the very core
of who you are
but more than that
who you were meant to be
and my eyes, my instinct
are only the merest reflection
of how clearly He knows
your complexity
your goodness
His image in you
my barest comprehension
is but a meager shadow
of that Great Knowing
the healing that comes
from knowing and being known
by the Love that
set the world in motion
Love who sees more than I do
Love who knows more than I do
Love who cares more than I do
that's what strips away
layers of junk
to find the core
the sweetness and light
fighting to survive and to grow

What Dreams May Come

In Your Heart, somewhere
There is a plan
You promised
You said it was a future
You said it was a hope
You said it was ordained
Before I was even conceived
You said You would finish
What You began
And I believe You
I know everything you promised
Everything You purposed
Everything You ordained
Will come to be
Because You spoke the very world
Into existence
Out of nothing
You spoke light into darkness
You spoke water and fire and earth and wind
And You are Love
I believe all of that
Every single word
And I know
More than anything else
That my dreams
Are Yours for the giving
Yours to command
Like the moon and stars
Yours to send forth
Like the rain and the wind
And I know, I know, I know
That You call me not only child
But Beloved
And if I ask for bread
You do not give stones
So I call out
Loudly, from the rooftop
Shouting into the heavens
Send me dreams
Send me visions
Show me the way

What I Want

Warm breath on the back of my neck
Strong arms tight around my waist
Sweet weight pressing gently in

But that isn't all
It isn't even close

Craving Love and respect
Intelligent conversation
Laughter and gentleness

Even more than that
The sometimes impossible dream

Someone whose world is defined
By the same Love that changed
Everything about my reality

And sometimes the immediacy of the one
Eclipses the promise of the other

But it cannot compare, not really
To the hope I have, the firmly entrenched belief
That you are out there in the world

Longing for the same things I long for
Waiting with the same baited breath

For the day when your eyes find mine
Across all the days from now 'til then
And all of this struggle, all of this pain

Is swept away in the realization of this dream
Of warm breath, loving arms, laughter and gentleness

The day when our souls foreshadow perfect union
Our hearts beat with one ageless rhythm
And this wanting, this waiting, proves to be worthwhile after all

One for Josh

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten." G.K. Chesterton


in a ziploc bag
coins rattle and paper rustles

titles listed on an index card
will you order these for me?

once upon a time,
his world had so few words

he spoke rarely
and almost never on the phone

parents far away, trying to cure cancer
with carrot juice and infared light

and in school, words escaped him
synapses misfiring, betraying his intellect

but inside his head, a reader waited
hungering for words

first fed by reading aloud
words washing over his brain

then audiobooks he devoured
swallowed in great gulps

slowly, his world righted
his mother came home

a very kind teacher
gently guided his rebellious brain

the letters stopped their terrible dance
righted themselves on the page

the reader in him ROARED its delight
and he began to greedily consume

first short books, then quickly chapters
stories fueling his craving

his fingers sought pages to turn
his heart yearned for fantastic adventure

he plowed through the long pages
questing for knowledge and stories

he gathers his dollar bills
and his quarters and nickels and dimes

he hands them to me, the one with the credit card
and asks me to enable his budding habit

and the reader in me sees in his eyes
a kindred spirit filled with

love for hobbits and dragons
for a boy wizard in glasses

and pride and affection overwhelm me
as I type his order into Amazon