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100

100 times
i have hit
the publish button
shared thoughts
and feelings
pinned them down
in cyberspace
like a butterfly
mounted
frozen in time

100 times
pieces of my heart
and my life
have appeared here
shared with you
for your examination
for your contemplation
and it's healing
and it's progress
and it's worth the time

100 times
sometimes forced
sometimes with abandon
sometimes careful
sometimes throwing
caution to the wind
even in the cliches
even in the imperfection
somehow the words
capture meaning

100 times
a person
or a memory
or an experience
or a shared moment
present or past
or imagined yet to come
have found their way
crystallized
made more sense because

100 times
i have exposed
my underbelly
my deepest love
my oldest wounds
my fondest hopes
and i survived
the exposure
didn't kill me but
made me stronger

100 times
i have faced down darkness
asked hard questions
waited for answers to come
and they have appeared
in the next word
or the next line
or the next phrase
bringing light
and Love again

100 times
i have called down
Love
and power
and mercy
and glory
and every time
every single time
they rain down
again

100 times
i have celebrated
the ones who
mean the most
the ones who
give life worth
the ones who
walk beside me
the ones who
inspire me to be better

100 times
leaves a record
full of words
to be mined
for perspective
to be contemplated again
to be reworked
reframed
reworked
resolved

100 times
more than a year
make me resolve
to do more
to write more
to post more
to do better
bad poetry
important only to me
but still important

I Call Him Sweet Potato

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
-J.K. Rowling "Chamber of Secrets"

Everything in him is intense
His anger
His humor
His sadness
His vulnerability
His love

He is such a clear picture
Of the new man
Warring with the old
The old pushes up - still angry
Still frustrated
But he constantly, insistently
Pushes back
Reaches up
Finds his way again
His humor and kindness
The Spirit inside him
Overwhelm the old anger

He doesn't melt down anymore
He doesn't shut down anymore
Not like he used to
He closes his eyes
And breathes in deep
And finds the man he wants to be

In him, I see
Boy-becoming-man
With unusual intentionality
Creativity
Sweetness of spirit
He goes for it - every time
He leaves it all on the field
He is being defined
By one choice he made
The choice to follow
And the thousands of choices
That follow that one

He has surrendered to Love
To Light
To Redemption
To the One who made him
To a will not his own
And he was transformed

And now, he stands in front
His guitar in his hands
And he leads us - his friends
His family
Others who would follow
Into the worship of the One
Who changed everything for him
The One he surrendered to

His talent
His character
His choices
His intentions
Framed by the one choice
The choice that changed everything

One for Paul

the words i hear most often
when i pray for him
are so clear
and so perfect
"he's my favorite one"
one with a child's heart
but a man's depth
one with kindness
and compassion
and gentleness
one who fights hard
one who keeps going
one has survived the valley
one who has stood on the mountain
one who walks beside his friends
one who relentlessly seeks
one who gives when there's nothing left
and the Father's heart
is so very pleased
with all that he is
and all he will be
all that was ordained
before a hair grew on his head
his path is straight
his destiny assured
the Love that won his heart
will hold him fast
this favorite one

sunday night haiku

i cannot even
begin to say how much i
want to say it all

and yet i am shy
of baring my heart to the
world at large beyond

this newness hidden
is not secret but safely
inside and growing

i cannot even
begin to say how much i
want to say it all

Hard

coming to grips
with the fact
that I am
simply not perfect
i make mistakes
i fail sometimes
with things that
matter to me
even with hard
work even with
close watch kept
on those things
i fail sometimes
i make mistakes
simply not perfect
trying to be
okay with that
is really hard

My Brothers

They are so tall
It strikes me every time
One of them walks through a doorway
Impossibly tall
Inexplicably



They have always been
My favorite source of hugs
But hugs used to be
Chubby arms around my neck
As I lifted them
One or two at a time
And squeezed them tight
Now hugs are so often
Them humoring me



With their muscled arms
And their wall-like chests
It is completely disorienting
Because when they look me in the eye
I still see tiny little boys
Hiding in those manly faces



All those diapers I changed
Countless baths and hairwashes
Sweet smelling boys I read stories to
And sang lullabyes to
And tucked into bed



Now effortlessly lift heavy furniture
And charm teenage girls
And astound their oldest sister
They are just so tall

At the Saucer

Beer flows freely
And music
And conversation
Winds between

Guards are raised
And lowered
Quickly or slowly
As the minutes tick by

In fleeting connections
And chance encounters
Friendships flourish
And great loves

And plates on walls
Tell stories
Of many glasses raised
Of the passage of time

And I sit
In a crowd tonight
But sometimes solitary
And ponder what it means

Prayer

words travel fast
the speed of thought
the speed of sound
fleeting
washing around and over
until a name is called
until a tone catches an ear
HELP
I am suffering
HELP
I am alone and afraid
HELP
I need you
words interrupting the flow
a voice breaking
in panic
or in despair
from a child
from a parent
from a sibling
from a friend
from a lover
catching attention
focus
yours and mine
and His
a name
a tone
turn our heads
incline our ears
increase - somehow -
the presence
already there

one of these days

one of these days
things will be easier
today's problems will be solved
or abandoned
today's worries will be realized
or forgotten
there will be sunshine
there will be laughter
there will be wholeness
peace will have soaked in deep
one of these days
we will be refreshed
and healed
made new
one of these days
we will look back to today
with its pain and confusion
with its hunger and anger
with its loneliness
and we will recognize the valley
that made the mountain seem so high
we are climbing
we are struggling
and we will reach the top
one of these days

change

sometimes
walking toward one thing
means walking away from another
into the unknown possible

sometimes
shoulders must be squared
breath must be inhaled
and space made for grieving

sometimes
walking from pain and anger
turning away, moving beyond
requires resolve and reinforcements

sometimes
leaving behind blessings from a season passing
takes even more effort, more force of will
and leaves a bigger hole to heal

always
walking toward one thing
means walking away from another
into the unknown possible

reflecting

I don't know the exact moment that it happened
in fact I am still astonished that it actually did

but there was a moment that I woke up
and you weren't the first thing I thought of anymore

your memory began to fade - and the hurt and pain that came with it
and the agony of rejection fell into the abyss

and all that remained were happy memories and some wisdom
your hold on me was entirely loosed and I had truly let you go

and your face does not hold the same draw for me anymore
you are no longer the one I want to give my life and my heart to

and it is deliverance and redemption - this feeling from having set you free
and becoming absolutely free of everything that was never meant to be

i am not yours...i never was
you are not mine...you never were

it is finished

Boundaries

All my walls have gates in them
Or holes where the stones
Have fallen away
Friends are free to come and go
There are no locked doors
Only signposts
And when security is breached
I know again
That perhaps some gates should be locked
Some pastures should be guarded
Some walls should be rebuilt
So that no means no
And yes means yes
So that I am safe to be myself
And so that entrance is coupled
With a remember that being let in
Is a gift

It is Finished

On this day
I took back my life
From the shackles
Of past mistakes
That held me fast
Binding me to choices
I regret - I loosed my hold
On stories that ended badly
On hearts and souls
That were not mine
That did not belong to me
On illusions that clouded
My hopes and dreams

I reclaimed my soul
And the freedom to give it away
Again to the One who redeemed it
Who made redemption possible
Who doesn't just forgive
But separates wrong from right
And looses dreams again
Dreams that will come
Hope that is reborn
Joy that wells up again

I was set free
For freedom's sake
And for Love
Both the Love already here
And the Love on its way to me
Across time and space
Love ordained to be mine
Love authorized and life-giving
Taking hold of the future
I called it into the present
I let go of the past
And its hold on me was broken
Written down on slips of paper
Burned into ashes
And washed away

heartsong: just a little cheesy

i know the songs you sing
in part because
they echo my own
sharing histories
heartsongs
two melodies suited for
blending into one
like a prelude
one part played
then the other
foreshadowing harmony
inviting blending together
your song and mine
i know the songs you sing

vulnerable

dark clouds on the horizon
bring too much rain
hard ground cannot absorb the flood
running into gulleys, seeking lower ground
gravity finding its ancient course
down toward the canyon
it floods
it saturates
it soaks in anyway
despite hardness
despite resistance
despite everything worn down
callouses formed
over picked off scabs
hard shells eroding into softness
risking erosion

storm

on the mountain top
the storm hid on the other side of the ridge
boulders and rock strewn paths
piling up behind
so when the storm broke
rushing in
noise and light
electricity descending
rain slicked those rocks
trecherous obstacles, scrambling, slipping down

you were not there
exposed on the mountains face
i thought you were the mountain
impervious to pain and fear
unphased by lightning strikes
I slipped on your immovable stillness
your unpassable silence, your unfathomable apathy
as I scrambled over the boulders
away from the light and the electricity
toward lower ground, heart pounding in my chest

fine

lonely in that quiet way
not entirely silent
whispering in my ear
you are not enough
you are not worth it
you will never have what you want
why do you bother trying anyway
it feels hopeless
it feels like abandon
it feels like the echoes of rejection
long since past
but it is numb
whatever pain is there
nerve receptors too overloaded
to begin to process it
compassion for those who slice
into their own skin
in order to feel that pain
instead of the numbness
understanding why
lacking either courage or cowardice to try it
not quite that crazy yet
but reckless still
reaching out for substitutes
looking for someone to share this space
to fill up the quiet
to stimulate the numbness
ready to stand on the tallest mountain
and shout
WHERE ARE YOU?

Night

Night is long
Darkness in the beginning
Before your eyes adjust
Overwhelms everything else

Night is long
And walking alone
It is so easy to stumble
To lose your way in the blackness

Night is long
It seems to stretch endlessly
Promising more darkness
More obstacles, more fear

Night is long
But it is not forever
Even as it stretches out
Without the faintest hint of light

Night is long
But it moves imperceptibly
Toward morning - its darkness
Is not eternal

Night is long
But dawn will break
Light will flood again
So that darkness is only a shadow

Night is long
But daybreak is inevitable
Every moment drawing nearer
To the first glimmer of morning

Soul Ties

it is a cliche
that giving your body
gives away your soul

but in cliches lie
buried truths hidden - depths of
familiarity

ties that bind deeply
pieces of hearts existing
outside a body

portions of wholeness
ripped, ignored, and rejected
floundering alone

I want them back now
those pieces of me given
thoughtlessly reckless

I do not want to
hold these pieces of other
hearts any longer

one for R

so much pain
mucking up lives
so much anger
clouding our vision
so many words
that should never be said
so loudly shouted
over and over
so much darkness
crowding out the sun
so much emptiness
swallowing everything

i feel the pain
in your clouds
in your sadness
in your anger
in your emptiness
in the words
you never should have heard

and it weighs down on me
like a smothering blanket
it drowns out my own pain
it fills up my capacity to hurt

but it is your pain
it is not mine
and I want so badly for her
to look at you
and see what is really there
so much growth
so much progress
so much effort
so much goodness

you have come so far
and you are still fighting
to go further still

and i worry
that you will lose sight of that
that your progress will be stolen
that your growth will be stunted
that your effort will come to nothing

but i know
that the goodness in you
is more than just you
the strength you are building
in every single choice
to do the right thing anyway
is an echo of the One
who heals pain like this
who carries burdens
who binds up wounds

the One who shines light
the One in whose image
you were made

but i don't know how to say that to you
in a way that you will hear
without preaching
without judging
without causing more pain
without pushing you away

i know that you need Him though
and i know His Love reaches toward you
and toward her
and that Love
that Love
that Love
is what you need
far more than my ear
far more than my words
far more than my shoulder
if only...you could see it

and so i am taking this pain
the pain you share
the loneliness you disclose
so hesitantly
the anguish imparted
and i am laying all of it
down at His feet
and asking Him to reach out to you
to make His presence known
to call your names loudly
to give you His ear
His shoulder
His words
His healing

(Another) One for Amber

something inside of you
bursts with so much light
it's blinding some days
even when darkness crowds in close

something inside of you
sings with such abandon
it's the loudest song
even in the noisiest room

something inside of you
crys out for mercy
trusting that Love will rain down
even when loneliness crowds it out

and that something
the something inside you
is the image of One who knows
the One who brings light to darkness
the One who brings songs to chaos
the One who rains Love down

and you overflow with it so much
more often than not
the Someone inside of you
stretches out His hand
in light and song and mercy and Love
and pours out all of those things
from you to me
and from you to your kids
and from you to your friends
and from you to the world
Light...and song...and Love

just one on sweetness and light

between your words
hidden in phrases
in stories and silence
your heart speaks
your soul shines
somehow I hear more
than the words you say
but it's not my eyes
that see you like this
His eyes see too
penetrating beyond
pain and hardship
sorrow and anger
rejection and loneliness
into the very core
of who you are
but more than that
who you were meant to be
and my eyes, my instinct
are only the merest reflection
of how clearly He knows
your complexity
your goodness
His image in you
my barest comprehension
is but a meager shadow
of that Great Knowing
the healing that comes
from knowing and being known
by the Love that
set the world in motion
Love who sees more than I do
Love who knows more than I do
Love who cares more than I do
that's what strips away
layers of junk
to find the core
the sweetness and light
fighting to survive and to grow

What Dreams May Come

In Your Heart, somewhere
There is a plan
You promised
You said it was a future
You said it was a hope
You said it was ordained
Before I was even conceived
You said You would finish
What You began
And I believe You
I know everything you promised
Everything You purposed
Everything You ordained
Will come to be
Because You spoke the very world
Into existence
Out of nothing
You spoke light into darkness
You spoke water and fire and earth and wind
And You are Love
I believe all of that
Every single word
And I know
More than anything else
That my dreams
Are Yours for the giving
Yours to command
Like the moon and stars
Yours to send forth
Like the rain and the wind
And I know, I know, I know
That You call me not only child
But Beloved
And if I ask for bread
You do not give stones
So I call out
Loudly, from the rooftop
Shouting into the heavens
Send me dreams
Send me visions
Show me the way

What I Want

Warm breath on the back of my neck
Strong arms tight around my waist
Sweet weight pressing gently in

But that isn't all
It isn't even close

Craving Love and respect
Intelligent conversation
Laughter and gentleness

Even more than that
The sometimes impossible dream

Someone whose world is defined
By the same Love that changed
Everything about my reality

And sometimes the immediacy of the one
Eclipses the promise of the other

But it cannot compare, not really
To the hope I have, the firmly entrenched belief
That you are out there in the world

Longing for the same things I long for
Waiting with the same baited breath

For the day when your eyes find mine
Across all the days from now 'til then
And all of this struggle, all of this pain

Is swept away in the realization of this dream
Of warm breath, loving arms, laughter and gentleness

The day when our souls foreshadow perfect union
Our hearts beat with one ageless rhythm
And this wanting, this waiting, proves to be worthwhile after all

One for Josh

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten." G.K. Chesterton


in a ziploc bag
coins rattle and paper rustles

titles listed on an index card
will you order these for me?

once upon a time,
his world had so few words

he spoke rarely
and almost never on the phone

parents far away, trying to cure cancer
with carrot juice and infared light

and in school, words escaped him
synapses misfiring, betraying his intellect

but inside his head, a reader waited
hungering for words

first fed by reading aloud
words washing over his brain

then audiobooks he devoured
swallowed in great gulps

slowly, his world righted
his mother came home

a very kind teacher
gently guided his rebellious brain

the letters stopped their terrible dance
righted themselves on the page

the reader in him ROARED its delight
and he began to greedily consume

first short books, then quickly chapters
stories fueling his craving

his fingers sought pages to turn
his heart yearned for fantastic adventure

he plowed through the long pages
questing for knowledge and stories

he gathers his dollar bills
and his quarters and nickels and dimes

he hands them to me, the one with the credit card
and asks me to enable his budding habit

and the reader in me sees in his eyes
a kindred spirit filled with

love for hobbits and dragons
for a boy wizard in glasses

and pride and affection overwhelm me
as I type his order into Amazon

Numb

Somewhere along the way
I think when I was very young
Something disconnected
Head overriding heart
Somehow I didn't realize
That movies move me more than real life
Some days even a commercial
Touches me more deeply than memories
Somehow it seems that
I became afraid of the tide of my emotions
Something overwhelming
Hiding in the buried depths of my soul
Somewhere under some anger
And a lot of emptiness, I know I'm not

Sliding

Backward again
Not into oblivion
But into darkness

A leisurely drive
A sunlit day on a country road
No music on the radio
Only a soul loudly
Crying out in worship
Exalting in the abundance
Of forgiveness and restoration
Connections and stories retold
Never expecting the danger
Hiding in wait around the bend

Hours later
Wine and good food
Music and firelight
Obscured heartsong
And momentary loss of focus
Fishtailing, sliding on gravel
Swerving off the sunlit path
Into darkness
Shadows flickering
In lonely silence

Stunned at the moment of impact
Followed by fear that
The sunlight, the heartsong
Are forever destroyed
These injuries will fester
Will try to keep me back
If hidden and untended
So I climb from the wreckage
Away from the darkness
And stumble up toward the sun

Reunion

How is it that having come so far
I feel myself being dragged backwards
Time with old friends promises

Treasured memories and good times
Somehow creates too a hollow feeling
Nagging emptiness and discontent

I am not the person I was then
And neither are they
And I would not want any of us to be

And yet, I miss who I was
Just striking out into adulthood
Carefully choosing companions

Learning, stretching adventurous wings
Constantly reaching out of my comfort zone
Finding new skills and hitting my stride

Some of what was then was so good
Dinner parties and night-to-morning conversations
Passionately engaging brilliant minds

Balanced, though, by insecurities
Monsters that prowled in the night
Fears and inadequacies ever more important

Those best of times and worst of times
That could not last
I have come so far from then

Healed, though scarred, by twists of time
And mismatched affections
Hesitant to test the strength of progress

Afraid to be pulled backward
Of the blindness that comes from wishing
And looking back over my shoulder

For how things could have played out differently
Rather than embracing all the goodness
That came to pass anyway

And so I don't know what to do
But walk forward and hope
That Love and Goodness and Light

Will overwhelm echoes of depression and fear
So the anguish of rejection and conflict
Will be silenced once and for all

And so I can keep moving forward
Keep growing and learning and moving
Into all the better things I've found in You

Gospel

We struggle to recapture
An idea long imprisoned
Once inspired brilliance
Trapped in trite cliches

For God so loved the world
You and me, the neighbor next door
Good news proclaimed
Once scribbled on construction paper
And passed out to the neighbors

That He gave His only begotten Son
The Answer, Salvation
The Way, the Truth, the Life
Once encountered in blinding brilliance
Dimmed by layers of over-familiarity

That Whosoever believes in Him
Obeys His commands
Draws every breath because of Him
Once changing everything
And often fading, receding into doubt

We struggle to recapture
An idea long imprisoned
Once inspired brilliance
Trapped in trite cliches

We crave the reality
Of the all-encompassing truth
We were hopelessly lost
Mired in misery
Forever in despair

Until Love came after us
Lifted us above our circumstances
Salvaged our damaged lives
Resuscitated our dying souls
Though it cost everything

Love gave up perfection
Became one of us
Died a terrible death
To give us back the gift
Of His presence
With us and in us
Forever: God so Loved the World

Anticipation

We will gather
With music interspersed
With silent reflection
Hearts hungry for words
That lift and redeem

We will read
Letters and poems
Written long ago
By other hearts overflowing
With Your Love and life

We will wait
Our hands outstretched
Our souls reaching upward
For Your heart to turn toward us
For rain and fire to fall

We will listen
Expecting Your voice to
Free captives and heal wounds
To remind us
You know our names

We will declare
Your kingdom has come
And Your kingdom is coming
Your victory is already complete
Even as the battle is raging

We will know
Who You are and thus who we are
We will soak in Your presence
Your fire will purify us
And we will be forever changed

Ashes and Dust

Everything in us was dead
Dry and scattered
Empty powder
Formless -- Until
You reached down
Gathered clay together
Breathed in deep
Exhaled living spirit
We breathed You in
And life began
A constant cycle
Your exhale
Our inhale
Utterly unaware of how we were
Completely dependent on You
In Your seeming absence
And we exhaled living spirit for the last time
We attempted breath in a vacuum
Seeking sustenance apart
Our lungs struggled to pull oxygen
From emptiness
Again returned to clay
The rhythm broken
We were dust
To dust we returned
We were ashes
To ashes we returned
Slowly disintegrating
Apart from Your spirit breath

Looking in the Wrong Direction

I am scanning the horizon
For the ship’s mast to crest
Or the plane to appear as a tiny speck

I am listening, ears straining
For the sound of a footfall
Or hoofbeats coming from afar

When I breathe in, I search
For the faintest whiff of scent
Floating on the breeze

I look in light and shadow
Glancing over my shoulder
Searching for signs in grass and leaves

In looking, I assume both
That I know how and where You’re coming from
And that you are not already here

Often missing where You are
Because I am looking where You’re not

Wasting time searching for You
When You’ve already appeared

Disconnect

From my deepest well
I draw words that drip
With devotion and encouragement
I pour them for you in a goblet
Chosen for its beauty
And I present it with
Ceremony showcasing
My love for you

You smile and settle down
To sit beside me as I move through
The little daily chores
That steal the hours away
You touch my shoulder
Put your arms around my waist
But when you go away again
No tangible reminder
Of your love remains

Only the goblet you drained
And the lingering memory of your presence

Something New

Once, waiting for you
Was like waiting for a trip to Paris
For which I had not yet started saving
Hazy pictures of the Eiffel Tower
And wine with baguettes and cheese for lunch
More like a scene from a movie than
Even from tourist books
Because I had not even really begun to plan the trip

Lately, you seem nearer
Like waiting for Christmas after Thanksgiving
Knowing that the day will come
Regardless of whether I plan or prepare
So making time for the tasks
Baking and buying presents
Decorating the house
Humming carols in the grocery store

Somehow your arrival feels concrete
Like a plan is in place
And set in motion
Such an odd sensation
This feeling of anticipation
Because it is not my plan
I have no idea how or when you'll actually
Arrive in my life

But I am excited to recognize you
And I hope that when you do appear
You'll find my heart open and ready
To pour out all the best affirmation and affection
Calling forth the best in each other
Looking together to the One
Who planned for our future
Before we were even born

What We Will Do on Valentine's Day

we will watch the stories
of those who found
one to cling to
one to walk beside
one to have and hold
there will be food and wine
there will be compansionship
there will be laughter
we will feel a twinge
a wishing
for the clock to turn faster
for the time to come
for our turn to arrive
but we will not be alone

we will be together
anticipating rejoicing
when our own stories
surpass those on the screen
when our hearts
healed and whole
strong and full
ready and willing
find love to cling to
love to walk beside
love to have and hold
we will daydream for ourselves
we will hope for each other

and in the meantime
in the now and not yet
we will know
that we are beloved of heaven
our hunger for human love
will not surpass
will not overwhelm
will not drown out
the redeeming
abundant
resplendent
healing
faithful
strong and true

Love of the One
who already holds us
safely in His arms
the One who never leaves
the One who never lets go
the One who gave everything
to make a way
to be with us forever
we will see ourselves
reflected in His eyes
perfectly loved
entirely accepted
wholly desired
transformed by His presence

and so we will find joy
in the echoes of that Story
in the ones on the screen
we will laugh and cry
we will allow our hearts
to feel longing
to recognize wishing
a moment of wanting
but then we will look up
we will look ahead
we will wait
for His plan
for His provision
for His perfect timing

Disciplines

In the absence of the unnecessary
Substance sustains
Superfluous nothingness falls away
Revealing strength
Building resolution
Guiding from grace to grace
In emptiness somehow
Abundance flows into even small spaces
Expanding the tiniest crevices
Emptying out
Sweeping away
Sufficiency swells and expands
Harmonies rise
Their timbre resounds
With hope
And life
And peace

One for Megan

conversing with a friend
we find
space to explore
old stories
for new truths
current realities
for fresh perspective
impending dreams
for concrete action

we realize
we are not
alone
we are not
the only one
we are not
isolated

over a glass of wine
words swirl around
feelings and fairy-tales

we tell
of dragons slain
and those yet to be found
we yearn
for white knights
and rebel at our need for rescue

eyes become mirrors
inviting self-examination
reflecting an image of ourselves
unique
and ripe for examination

our stories intertwine in the telling
and our hearts weave themselves together
reveling in knowing
and being known

D: It is Written

He called her to follow him
He Brought her in from the rain
He asked her name
After that he
Never stopped calling for her
Never stopped coming after her
Never stopped wanting her near him
No matter what it cost him
No matter what she had become
No matter who tried to stop him
Though she was distant
Though she was scarred
Though she told him to go
He kept coming after her
He kept coming through for her
He never forgot
She was his destiny

It echoes
In the filth and the slime
In the violence and betrayal
In the corruption and confusion
The greatest story ever told
The one in which He is coming for us
The one in which

He called us to follow Him
He Brought us in from the rain
He knows our names
And He too
Never stops calling for us
Never stops coming after us
Never stops wanting us near Him
No matter what it cost Him
No matter what we become
No matter who tries to stop Him
Though we are distant
Though we are scarred
Though we tell Him to go
He keeps coming after us
He keeps coming through for us
He never forgets
He is our destiny

Unlocked

It was bleeding
When I pulled it out and locked it up
Ravaged and almost destroyed
Torn and ragged
Exposed
It left a gaping hole
And so I found a case
Strong and made of gold
Intricate and rare
It protected well
And I kept the key
Always around my neck
Like a noose
Or a chain that binds
So when I gave Him my heart
I handed him the case
Isn't it beautiful? I said.
He smiled.
He held the case in His hands.
But I kept the key around my neck.
So He had my heart
But He couldn't touch it
Without destroying the case
And risking further damage
By crushing or jagged edges
We walked together a long time
Him with the case
Me with the key
Growing heavier all the time
Reminding me as it swung against my scar
Of the mess locked away inside that case
Of the damage done
Of the wounds that must have deformed
Wondering what He would think
If He opened the case
And one day, He asked for the key
Gently, but firmly,
He insisted I had carried it long enough
He asked for the right to open the case
And with trembling hands,
I lifted the key from my neck
Laid it in His waiting hand
And He held it and looked into my eyes
As His hands moved to turn it in the lock
The case fell open
And together our eyes looked down
To see perfect pink
Entirely whole
Completely healed
And then He held my heart in His hands
With no barrier between
Before He placed it again inside my chest
His hands holding it safe
Setting it free to beat again

After Revolutionary Road

“For such defects, and for no other fault, we are lost; and only in so far afflicted, that without hope, we live in desire.” Dante, Inferno

“And with desire to languish without hope” Milton, Paradise Lost



Looking to each other
Dreaming dreams
Believing in all we think could be
Working to achieve
Aching to become
Trying to reach beyond
Anticipating growth into potential
Faltering in struggle
Searching for blame
Losing hope
Falling into the abyss
Grasping at wisps of aspiration
Clawing at remnants
Giving ourselves over to desire
And then to nothingness
We are lost
For want of more
Than what we have
Inside ourselves and each other

Yoga Haikus

breathing in and out
noticing how it feels to
find new positions

leaning against tightness
exhaling through to calm grace
strength coming slowly

bending and stretching
finding some balance getting
out of my own way

Spiralling

the ghosts of the girls we were
stir in our consciousness
beckoning with sirens’ calls of
free spirits gifted with taut skin and firm bodies
they sing songs of how once
we loved with reckless abandon as
we risked without regard for loss

they spin their nostalgic tales
overshadowing our clouded memories of
the tears we cried when our hearts first shattered
the sleepless nights we agonized
over losses that stole our naïve loves away

we have scarred and healed and grown since then
and their voices recall only glory
they tell us we were heroines
luring us to look backward instead of ahead

our heads turned over our shoulders,
we are lured into their distant provinces and we lose our way
we stumble upon a past more alive than the present

we yearn to be again as we were
before we were wounded and stretched

into the women we became